Unfinished Mama

It’s been a hell of a week and yet I’ve done nothing. It always feels like I’m doing nothing, even in the weeks that are so busy. I feel like nothing is enough. Like the laundry isn’t ever finished. Like the two dishes in the sink are telling me to get off my fat ass and clean them. The smell of dirty diapers in Tonio’s trash can all the way in his room find its way to my nose and I have to take the trash out. The floors are never quite clean enough. The smear on the mirror in my bathroom haunts me every time I go in there to pee. The carpet lines seem to vanish so quick. The dinner is never made early enough. My calories always go twice as over of what I’m supposed to have that day. The dust feels like it’s piling even though I dusted over the weekend. I’m not going to bore you with my to-do list.

My point is, I never feel at peace with my day when there’s so much to do.

It’s possible I’m doing more than enough. My house is always said to be clean. No one can smell the smells I do. I seem so well put together. My bills are paid, my kids diaper is changed, and my dog has been taken out. So why does it feel like there’s something I’m missing? No matter if I write a list, or retrace my steps around the house to make sure every job is done, something always feels off. Every. Single. Day.

I’m starting to think that unfinished feeling is me.

I feel like the reason I feel so unfinished is because I had to skip a shower. I had to put my hair up instead of brush it. I had to eat only two meals today because tonio had to eat and I had no time between feedings and naps. Maybe i’m so unfinished because I make so much time for everything around me but ME. It seems like all I do is talk about how “moms should focus on themselves. Don’t forget about you. It’s okay to need.” But I don’t follow my own mottos and little by little, I’m discovering my own flaws. Writing these blogs, seeing it all written down, I’m learning more about myself.

I feel that’s the reason for this website. To learn about YOU. To relate. To reassure yourself that..

Even when you feel alone, even when you feel so unfinished like myself, you’re not.

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