The Waiting

There is nobody in the world who has better vision than a woman who can spot the faintest of lines on a pregnancy test.

I was trying my hardest to find that superhuman eyesight this morning as I stared at a negative test. Coming to the realization that the second line just isn’t there, my eyes fill with tears.

My husband and I are trying for our second baby. This has been a long time coming. I was diagnosed with Lupus after my first child was born, resulting in medications on medications to stop all of my painful symptoms. When my husband and I married 2 and a half years ago, we decided we would want another baby, but due to my condition we would have to wait until I was healthy enough to be off of medications that would be harmful to a pregnancy.

Doctor appointment after doctor appointment.

Trial after trial being off medications, and being back on them again. Heartbreak after heartbreak. I cried after every appointment, after going in with high hopes of normal lab results.

I took up all the emotional meltdowns and left no room for my husband to have any, he stood strong and held me while I fell apart and soaked his t-shirts. He always assured me, the time will come. I was always so happy to know my husband could be so strong, because I was so afraid that we may not be able to have a second baby, and while I fell apart, I knew if my husband would too I wouldn’t know how to handle it. My husband was my rock. He still is.

About nine months ago, I was finally given the OK to stay off of a medication. Yes!! Right? No. I had to wait SIX MONTHS for the medication to get out of my system. As six months go by, I’m ready to make the appointment to get my birth control out. We were about to move to Maryland from Georgia, so I wanted to be sure to get it out before we left. … My husband, being the smart level headed man that he is, tells me to wait.

Wait??? WAIT?!

Yes, wait. He tells me we are going to wait until we are settled in Maryland, and wait until I find a rheumatologist to give me ANOTHER OK to start trying after the 6 months of being off medication. I fight a little, and my husband doesn’t budge, and finally I agree with him. Not easily though, this was a big bitter pill to swallow.

Fast forward,

I find a rheumatologist, I’m sweating because I’m so nervous.  She reviews my results, and tells me I am in the clear to start trying!!! My eyes fill with happy tears, and I’m anxious for my appointment to end so I can tell my husband who is waiting for me in the waiting room with our son. When I get to him, and tell him the news, my husband has the same reaction I did, I see on his face that he is now feeling all the emotions he held back while keeping me together.

So, here we are. I got my birth control removed a month ago, and we are waiting for our next sweetest addition to our little family.

The negative tests are hard to look at, and I shed a few tears after every one as I am held by my husband again, but….I feel peaceful.

We are here. We are finally here. We are finally in that place where we wait anxiously for pregnancy results, awaiting for that second line to finally appear, and we will rejoice when it appears.

The longer you wait for something, the sweeter that gift will be when it finally arrives. The time will come. Until then, I will enjoy being a sweet family of three, and enjoy my son being an only child and spoil him with all the love! And when our family (and our love) grows, we will be ready.



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