My not-so-easy story

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I’m not even sure how to start this, but let’s begin.

I have a 17 month old son and he was 10 months old when his father and I decided we were ready to have another.

We finally got a positive!

I went to the first doctors appointment and got a confirmation of pregnancy but no ultrasound. I was told I wouldn’t receive one till 18 weeks at the anatomy scan. Around 11 weeks of pregnancy we announced to family and publicly on social media.

 I had HORRIBLE morning sickness since the day I found out I was pregnant, so 13 weeks comes around and I’m wondering when this would end.

I began to cough up mucus mixed with what appeared to be blood. So I ended up going to the emergency room.

I walked in pregnant and walked out not pregnant.

Well come to find out I had a molar pregnancy.. that's when an infertile egg attaches to the uterus but there is no fetus present. Basically a false pregnancy but could potentially be cancerous if wasn’t taken care of right away and/or if it came back within 6 months.

My doctors explained it as a tumor in place of a baby. So I was admitted and had surgery the next morning to remove everything. My sons father and I had no idea how to feel as we didn’t actually lose a baby, but it had felt just as bad.

I deleted everything that had anything to do with a baby number 2 from my social media and began to just ignore that it even happened.

As I get closer to what have been my due date I feel more and more empty and lost.

I feel as if my body has failed me and I’m terrified of the thought of even trying to have another child in fear of having to go through it again. I had people ask if I knew the gender yet and I just replied with a “ what? I’m not pregnant lol.”
Even though there was no physical baby lost, I still feel as if I had a loss..

But maybe it was just myself that I had lost that day.

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