Managing my daily life has been a struggle lately. Trying to remember all the dates and appointments while getting all my errands done is pretty much impossible. Its come to the point where I have to schedule a shower. Some days I get to it and some days I don’t. Life as a homemaker/SAHM hit me all at once…right in the face.
I’m still trying to figure everything out and this is honestly the hardest job I have ever had. I call this is a job because it fucking is.
It’s like a job in that you’re expected to get every single thing done by the end of the day but you don’t get the benefit of a salary. The hours are long and the work is hard. From the moment my little one-year-old son wakes up all the way to his bedtime its GO GO GO. My days don’t end when I put him down since I’m usually up till midnight trying to get all my shit done. Some nights I just don’t have the ability to do everything that is expected. I apologize to my husband even though I know he doesn’t care about stuff like that. I shouldn’t care either but the pressure of staying at home is very high for me.
I’ve been keeping myself busy my whole life. I started working the first chance I got and I didn’t stop until my son came into my life. Staying at home has made me feel like I always need to help as much as I possibly can. My son has been sick for the last week with a cold and when I finally took him to his pediatrician’s office, I ended up going to the wrong office. At the wrong time.. It’s been a hot mess lately.
Holding my son on one arm while cooking dinner or loading the dryer or whatever I have to get done.
I always try and remind myself that it’s not going be like this forever. That it’s just a phase.. but it FEELS LIKE FOREVER. Some days the guilt of not having my house in tiptop shape is can be too real. I know in the end as long as my son and my husband are happy I did my job right.
I always try to have at least five minutes to myself every day. That usually ends up being while I’m on the toilet because lets be real, the moment your child starts walking they’re NEVER going to leave you alone. So if my son is not napping, I’ll straight up just put him into his little play area or I’ll just close my bedroom door while I take those five minutes to CHILL THE FUCK OUT. Now if you’re thinking that it’s dangerous doing that, it's not. My child has survived and my house is pretty much baby proofed.
"maybe take that shower I penciled into my schedule"
Once my son is in bed I try to get laundry folded and put away as quickly as possible so I can maybe take that shower I penciled into my schedule. Most nights are spent trying to catch up on all the housework. It has honestly been so exhausting. The exhaustion has led me to becoming depressed at times. I decided that even if I don’t get everything done, I could save that stuff for another day. To be completely honest, half the time I don’t even know where to begin but somehow I end up getting to it.
How I get by:
I don’t. I don’t get by.
Just yesterday I broke down because my son kept on crying and then I slammed my hand on the counter because I couldn’t take it anymore. Guilt flooded over me.
All I could think about is that I was unworthy of being a mother and my son doesn’t deserve to have a mother like me. I started crying as he cried and yelled in my ear. I had enough. I realized that I can’t do it all.
If a mother tells you she does it all, she’s lying. I can’t stay on top of everything like I once did. Yesterday I realized that I shouldn’t let everything fall on me. I’m allowed to take a break. I’m allowed to make my husband wash the damn dishes and take our son for a few minutes because I’ve had ENOUGH.
To any of you mothers out there with this same struggle, just know that you’re doing a great damn job. No one else could have done all the work you have for your family. You are fucking phenomenal.