Lost for Words

ACS_0371

I’m lost for words. I am confused, I am broken, I am filled with guilt. There is so much on my mind and I just want to yell at the top of my lungs but I don’t. I weep in pain because my son has an autoimmune disease. I failed. I failed from protecting my son from any harm. It’s been a full week that he was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. I knew something was wrong three weeks ago. I spend every second with him so I automatically knew something was wrong. I took him to the doctor three times and they shrug me off even when my son was struggling to breathe and was lethargic. Rushing to the hospital covered in my son’s urine and struggling to keep my son awake. I have never been more scared in my life. As I’m thankful that my son is alive, I have nothing but guilt eating me alive.

I cry every single day

 

Why not me? I question everything I ever did. I’m just so confused and I cry. I cry every single day because I have to stick needles into my son and he’s so little. 17 months to be exact. He doesn’t understand why I’m hurting him and he cries and rubs his little arms and legs after each dose I inject into him or to get his blood sugar. I have a knot in my throat every second of the day. As I am filling his syringe full of insulin I can't help but hate myself for having him go through this. Motherhood is hard as it is but I never thought my baby would have to go through this.

I can’t

There is so much that I want to say but I can’t. I pray to god that I find strength to keep going. I love my son. I love my son more than anything in this universe. He is the air I breathe, my reason I am here. Please pray for my son. I am lost for words.

lennons

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