I am so hard on myself. This blog is a tough one to write because this is an issue I need to have a serious talk with myself about. Being a mother is hard and draining, and it can make a mama feel at her worst sometimes. For me personally the issues I struggle with is…
• Feeling like I’m not enough.
• My appearance.
• Wondering if I really am a good mother.
These are BRUTAL. It’s causing havoc on my heart and my soul. It’s time I have some time with myself and resolve this.
Feeling like I’m not good enoughI feel like I’m not enough for anybody. Not for myself, not for my husband, not for my son (which goes hand in hand with wondering if I am a good mother so we will cover this there), not even for God.
I feel like I’m not enough for myself because up until Words With Moms I felt like I had nothing going for myself. I will say this website has already given me so much life, and healing here is already in progress. Am I enough for my husband? Some days I am so tired, and nothing gets done while I am home with our son and he is working hard and providing for us. Some days after doing loads and loads of laundry I don’t want to cook dinner and we order take out for the third time that week. I hark on myself constantly when I have lazy days/weeks, how dare I?
I can imagine my husband wishes he could have lazy days. I must remember here though that I married a good man. He recognizes my job title as a stay at home mom, and when he comes home to me apologizing profusely for not being a good wife that day, he laughs at me for being silly, holds me close, gives me a sweet kiss, and tells me “You’re always a good wife.” And that’s it. He seems to think I’m silly for thinking such negative things about myself. And hey, maybe I am. I sure love that man. And God, my Lord and Savior. All I can say right here is that I can hear God assuring me, I will always be enough. Man, I would love to see myself even just for a second through His eyes, wouldn’t you? I am enough.
A biggie. Tonight, I drug my husband and son outside to our apartment building’s courtyard so my husband would take some pictures of my son and me for the website. I wanted to look natural, so I kept my hair the way it was because in the mirror it looked fine to me, put on a little makeup, changed mine and my son’s outfit, and we headed out the door.
My husband, a man who does not take many photos, took over sixty photos of us. When we came back inside he sent all of them to me. I scrolled through them all and I liked a whopping four pictures. Four out of sixty plus. You know why? I didn’t like my hair and mostly, I thought I looked fat. There are periods when I obsess over the scale.
I try diets, I keep checking the scale, I get pissed, I stop the diet, and I hate the way I look for a solid week or two. Then, I will stare at myself in the mirror and think “I really don’t look that bad.” And I put the scale on a high shelf I can’t reach without a stool. I even give myself an “I look good!” or sometimes “I look beautiful today.” And let me tell you, those are my happy times. During the times I look at myself without knowing the number on the scale and think I do look beautiful. And then, I see a picture of myself that I don’t like…and I revert back to getting that scale
During the times I look at myself without knowing the number on the scale and think I do look beautiful. And then, I see a picture of myself that I don’t like…and I revert back to getting that scale, and hating the way I look again. Since we have come inside I have been sitting here at my computer, not saying much to my little family over on the couch enjoying a super hero video game, and fighting myself not too into my bathroom to get my scale. I hate that scale. I decided to look at the photos again, and I tell myself… “I look beautiful there.” And I see the pictures in a new light. I find more pictures of my son and I that I love. I will say it wouldn’t hurt to find some time to go to the gym, and to maybe get a fresh haircut sometime in the near future. I am beautiful.
Wondering if I really am a good mother
Being a mother is so damn hard, I am constantly wondering if I am doing this mothering thing right. And oh, the guilt. I feel guilty all the time. I think everything that goes wrong is my fault. “He’s acting up right now because I didn’t give him enough attention today.” , “He’s grumpy because I’m not showing him enough love.” , “He can’t calm down because I gave him too much sugar today.”, “I am wrong. I am not enough. It’s all my fault.” What poison to my brain. Who’s with me? I am also so quick to assure other mothers when they are poisoning themselves with these words that they are good mothers. As I write this I realize I have never actually said it to myself…until this second. I am good mother.
…that felt good.
You guys, the things we say to ourselves is so powerful. The negative things we say and think about ourselves has the power to make us feel weary, depleted, and not enough. What if we said the beautiful truths about us to ourselves? The truths we all tell other mothers when they are feeling like they are not enough? And yes, we hear it from others that we are enough too…but the only time it will make the biggest difference is when we hear it from ourselves.
I am enough.
I am beautiful.
I am a good mother.