Being a father is one of those things that we know is coming but never really devote time for. I never really put in any thought as to how to be a father. It doesn't even hit you at the hospital. The "I am a Dad now" moment did not come until much later for me.
You get so caught up in Life
Everything was a whirlwind through our pregnancy. Time was flying by and I was running around doing everything I could think of. Make sure Zelda was taken care of, move to a new city, getting a house, a job, move our belongings to the from another state, unpack, plan a new career, attend school, do late night school classes online, find time to sleep. I rarely got time to myself to just sit and do nothing. I am talking like a good do nothing session where I could stare at the ceiling and sink into the couch.
All of the moving is why I never put any major thought into being a Dad. I didn't have time to think about things in the future. I was running around chasing the now. Knowing me, it was already a week overdue. I always thought of her giving birth as something that was happening in the future. I didn't really pay attention to it until we were in the delivery room and his big head looked at me. Still had no idea what to do but I was excited. As a creature of routine, I was quick to fall back into it.
Out with the old in with the old
Because Falling back into my routine is easy. Completely unknown to me was a small child in my home. This little man in my house, who is he? What do I do with him? Firstly I did not do anything with him. My routine was back in place. Go to work, go to school, go to school, try to sleep. I completely avoided Lennon because I did not know what to do with him. It was better that I ignore him, he was foreign to me. With my old route being thrown back at me I was in a comfortable position. I returned to work as life did not stop for me, it demanded that I go out and continue to get income. That was a major contributing factor. Life did not change for me when Lennon was born.
Finally I began to warm up to Lennon and notice him when he was 6 months old. My schedule was slowing down and I was able to finally see the things in my life. As you can imagine this did not sit well Zelda. Its not that it was something I was purposely doing. I returned to work to because we needed the income.
Finally in with the new
Lastly I can tell you that Lennon has found a way into my routine. My idea of being a Dad involved a lot cooler stuff than dancing around the house with him. I always envisioned we would go to a park or play outside. Maybe I always overlooked the younger years. I preferred he come out a toddler. Would have been much easier for me to plan activities with him. I have slowly adjusted to playing the father role. Although I regret not getting to play a bigger role in his beginning, I know how to handle the next. What took me a while to figure out is that people don't have it all figured out. In turn that has made me understand my father more as he probably went through the same thing I did.