Fire in My Soul

Every morning a sweet boy forms a fist with his tiny hands, and loudly knocks on my bedroom door at 7:30 on the dot. Every morning. And Every morning at 7:30 I am jolted out of my deep slumber from his knocking, open tired eyes, and say “Come in, baby.” I am greeted with my very energized boy and I tell him “I will be right out sweetie.”

Then I lie there for about five minutes, I am urged to get out of bed by our two dogs who eagerly need to potty, and have some breakfast. I get out of bed, I let my dogs outside and go to use the bathroom myself. By the time I am done, so are the dogs. I have my son feed the dogs while I go while I go wash my face. I splash some water on my face and look up to my tired reflection.

Oh yes, I see you. I know who you are in the mirror staring back at me. I don’t recognize you sometimes, but I do know who you are. I know you don’t know who you are some days. I know you don’t know what you’re good at anymore if it doesn’t involve meal plans, grocery lists, cooking, loving your husband, or playing dinosaurs with a four-year-old. I know you do these things well and full of love…

...but I know you praying for more,

and for your gifts to be revealed to you by God.

I know you are tired, and I am so sorry.

I used to be on fire for God. I loved talking to Him and about Him all day long. When I was a single mother I relied on Him so heavily, He was all that I breathed in and out. There is not a deeper kind of love I would ever feel in my life.

Now please don’t get me wrong, I still love God more than anything. I always will. Because I have felt that raging love inside me, it will never be forgotten and will always be accessible to me, but the thing is that I have not been accessing it, and boy has it caused some havoc on my heart. There is not a deeper heartbreak I will ever feel in my life either.

How? How did this happen? Where did I put that key to the most beautiful, Holy place in my heart? Where is it? Where am I? I know God is right here in front of me, but, where am I? I feel like I am standing still in a dark room, trying to figure out my next step to find the light switch again so I don’t stub my toe on the corner of furniture. I am living in fear, trying to find God, but afraid of getting hurt in the process.

I remember when I was days away from getting married, a dear friend of mine invited us over for prayer and coffee. This woman was such an important part of my spiritual life, she was the leader in my first Women’s Bible Study where I felt God’s presence so strong. I made sure to keep in touch with this amazing woman of God, I aspired to be like her, she was my inspiration.

When she invited my fiancé and I to her home I was quick to accept the invitation. She presented us with the beautiful book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman (I STRONGLY recommend this book for couples), a journal, and a beautiful prayer. And then she said something to me that seemed oddly silly but something I would never forget.

“Cailyn, it is so easy to expect your new husband to give you a kind of love that only God can give. Do not burden your husband with this expectancy. Always remember that only God can love you the way He does.”

I responded, “Oh yeah, of course!” followed by a small scoff. Obviously, I knew that. I was a woman of God now, I know His love is the only one to really satisfy me. She smiled gently and gave us some more marital advice that I soaked in, and still use to this day.

But did I know that? Did I really? The answer is most definitely not. Let’s go back to what she opened her statement with… “It is so easy…” and man was she right! It is SO easy to forget that your spouse cannot love you the way only God can. Why? Nobody on this beautiful green Earth was created to love anybody with that kind of love. The only way we can know the greatest love ever known, is by God Himself.

I stopped praying every second of the day, because I was so happy with my new life. Which is an amazing thing, but did I forget? God gave me this life. You guys, I am in tears writing this because of the harsh truth that is being delivered to me, steaming truth on a sizzling platter. These words are flowing out of me, and I know it’s coming straight from God. Oh, how He loves us, oh how I love Him.

The happy life I was blessed with and eventually stopped praying and thanking Him for, began to look bland. I began to stress and fear so much about life. How dare I, right? It has been so tough for us to find a church family for numerous reasons but that is no excuse for me to let the fire in my soul go out, so carelessly, as if I was just done with the smell of a beautiful candle so I put the lid on it, and watch the flame go out. I can have God without a church home. Wait, really? I can have God without a church home.

Woah.

Yes, a church is amazing and we will continue to search for one but for now, God is still here.

This website was just a dream I had dreamt one night, and now I know it was a message from God. Since I became a mother, I had always wanted to help moms in a beautiful way, not knowing how, just knowing I wanted to. After I had this beautiful idea given to me straight from God, He also tugged on my heart each day until I put it into action. I reached out to an old friend and got an amazing partner (and the kind of friendship I had been needing so desperately), and literally watched this dream I had transform into reality in two weeks. Oh, here it is, the light switch. Here You are, my Lord, You have relit my soul. You are, I am.

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