I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Many people say this all the time but when you have reached the break and see that you have lost yourself that is when you have to do something about it. It is okay to ask for help and it is okay to feel defeated. The key is not to dwell there. I have stayed in that mind thought for too long and now it has changed my being.
So, where is my Strength?
I realized after I had my son that I had lost myself; but when did it actually happen? When did I run from the women I used to be? The last few years have been a whirlwind from a custody battle to being a single parent to getting married to having a baby. I push through but it was hard… Like really hard. I mean don’t get me wrong I love my children and husband, I couldn’t imagine my life without them but being everything to everyone is hard and it eventually takes a toll.
"I wake up in the morning put on a big smile give my children kisses tell them I love them and do the dutiful wife thing, but on the inside, I am screaming “HELP! This isn’t you. Quit being fake.”
I know I am not alone in this feeling and no one will blame me but this is not who I thought I would be. I always thought that if I had children I would be further along in my life. Be able to stay home and be comfortable in life because I want to not because it makes the most sense financially. (Childcare cost is stupid expensive) Now, where I am in my life is no one’s fault, but the universe doesn’t give you the perfect situation, it gives you experiences and opportunities.
So is this my strength?
Is being able to fake the funk my way of being a strong-willed woman. Do I have to endure all this to show my children that mommy can do it all? Am I supposed to bottle up my feelings and frustrations? As a mom, I hide behind my sarcasm, swear words and artificial confidence; brought to you by Pinot Noir. When in reality, I am freaking the fuck out. My daughter is starting puberty and becoming a preteen, has a biological father that is manipulative with anger issues; I worry he is going to scar her or treat her like he treated me (that is a whole other tangent).
So daughter starting “the change”, 6-month-old mamma’s boy that is teething, trying to keep a promise to your boss you wouldn’t leave, a mom that has Multiple Sclerosis and an adoring husband that works his ass off that you ABSOLUTELY CANNOT disappoint. Not to mention a dad that you have to handhold through today’s technological society. It’s a lot.
Ok, What are you going to do about it?
I know what ways I lack, I don't hide from them and I refuse to fold my hand the even though the cards are stacked against me. NO, I put on the cutest pair "big girl" pants, my highest pair of heels and walk honey (#snap #vogue). I attack the issue head-on, saying fuck you lemons give a Vodka-Redbull let’s party. Okay, in theory, if it was as easy as “putting on your big girl panties” there wouldn’t be pharmaceutical companies making billions of dollars for sales of anti-depressant. So push through has become my motto.
Since I am a creative type person to help me get the bottled frustration out, I like to de-stress with a good rant, or a bake the sadness out session or simply just cry. If you are feeling like have been the most important thing you have to remember is to do something for you. I do so much for those around me that I forget to do the things that make me feel good. I know it can be difficult when finances are low but you have to figure out how to take time for yourself. When we had two incomes I would go get my nails done every 3 weeks, mani/pedi like clockwork. I was buying shoes because I’m kind of a shoe whore and I would go out regularly to dinner with friends and my husband. I spent the time on what makes me happy. Now, I am elbow deep in spit-up, baby poop, homework, Tae Kwon Do practice, …. LIFE. My strength is knowing I am worth it although right now the tunnel is long and I can’t see the light, it won't be like this forever. Remember to find the little things that make you happy.