Jun 23, 2017 at 2:38 PM
I never asked for you, I never wanted my life to be flipped in such a way. How do you make yourself happy when everyone else around you is bursting at the seams? I feel like a black fish in a school of fluorescence. How do you tell the world that you want to just be alone? By alone, I mean with my thoughts. The thoughts that are raging through my mind telling me everything I'm going to screw up in just a glimpse.
Please tell me something. Tell me how I'm supposed to raise a child when I'm a child myself?
I have much to learn, to see, to experience. I have nothing to offer, not even my love . Unfortunately, I'm no murderer and it's not my unborn's fault that this happened. People tell me that I'm going to change and that eventually I will see him/her/it and be changed.
What they don't understand is that I don't even love me. I don't love me on the days I feel the prettiest. There are still days when I doubt my own existence. I doubt that I make even the slightest difference in anyone's lives.
If we're being honest, I wish I could vanish and turn off all the feelings that are tying me here. Let me be clear, no one did anything to make me want to hide and never be found. It's just me. It's me who wants to find the rabbit hole and plunge down it.
I wouldn't say that I'm suicidal, I'd say that I just want to have some transparency. I want to be here, and I want to disappear at my leisure. A nomad if you will. Riddle me this though, how do you tell a man who has unselfishly helped you through the monotonous bullshit year after year?
How do you tell him you want to pop this spawn out and dive into the depths of not only darkness, but solitude.
I used to believe this feeling I'm having is fear. That my life is over, and that after this I will be a dried up wench. Except it's not. It's that feeling in your stomach right before you throw up. You know it's coming and you're just waiting for your stomach to send up your lunch. It's the feeling that you get when someone close to you says " We need to talk. "
How do you get rid of this you ask? You don't. You absolutely don't. It's a head on collision that has no emergency brake. If you hear me, I desperately need you to pull the brakes. Put a pause on life, whisk me away to bottom of the ocean and let me watch a different life above me.
As afraid as I am of some of the creatures that reside there, I feel unwavering peace. ( Ignore the fact I can't hold my breath longer than 15 seconds. ) It's a completely different world. I think most of the joy comes from the fact that these animals have no voices. There's no need to please and no greed. It's simple really, survival of the fittest. Not see how much money you can squeeze out of something that someone needs. Reality is, this feeling can't be shaken and it's coming full force.
This was before he was born.