Days like these

It’s only been a month since my son, Lennon was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.   Within this month I’ve not only reached my breaking point but these last few days Ive felt defeated that this is always going to be an ongoing battle with his health. 

I still cry

 I still cry and I feel so overwhelmed at times.  He still struggles with his sugar levels and he even still wets the bed every single night.  I rotate his sheets everyday while I wash the other.  I feel this overwhelming feeling of guilt always hovering over me and I wish he doesn’t have to deal with this disease.  I pricked his finger twenty times yesterday, probably more because I lost count because the sensor we purchase for him takes 12 hours to start working.  He wakes up high almost everyday and most nights he’s low that I still have to wake him up and force him to have something sweet to get him up again.  I feel so low.  Im always poking him and checking on him like a crazy person but I have this fear that I’m not doing enough. 

I pray that I can find strength, especially in days like yesterday.

I have such a strong little boy but why should I force him to always be strong? I don’t want to shame him from expressing how he feels but I have to put up a strong foundation for us and I pretend its nothing.  I am a stay at home mom so my life revolves around my son and I stay inside most days. I have to admit that I start loosing my patience at some point in the week and I force myself to get out of the house with Lennon and my husband.  

Leaving the house we have to carry all the supplies and I live in fear that something could go wrong while we are out and my anxiety gets worse.  Lennon doesn’t understand what the heck is going on and that makes me even more guilty.  I feel so defeated in times like these.  I am so tired and all I want is to accept his diabetes but I can’t right now. It’s so hard.

All I want is for my son to be okay.  I love him so damn much.

I pray that one day I won't have to cry about this.  I pray that I don't have to keep hurting my poor little baby with needles.

 

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