My name is Mechelle and I am the mother to two beautiful babies. My daughter, Luna, who is two years old and my son, JJ, who is 10 months old. Since I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be a mom and have lots of babies. I’ve always been the one who was good with children, and they always just seemed to gravitate towards me. I even pursued a bachelors in early childhood education because I knew that my life would be best dedicated towards teaching kids. I thought all this experience would set me up to be a great mom, but the truth is, you’re not going to know how to be a mom until you actually become one. And even then, it’s a day to day process. Some days are great and I have few regrets at the end of the day. But then some days are bad and at night I’m drowning in regrets and thoughts of how inferior I am as a mother. I find the latter to be most occurring.
Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always been a worrier. I lived at 9000 ft above sea level and would still fear that a tornado could come and tear my house away. I worried, but it didn’t affect my every minute of every day. After becoming a mom I’ve found that my worrying has consumed me. I worried while I was pregnant, that I wasn’t eating healthy enough, exercising enough, or just worrying that something could go wrong with my babies. I thought “once my baby is born and I know they’re healthy I won’t worry so much.” But I worry more. I worry now about what they’re eating. Are they getting enough fruits and vegetables? I worry now about their education. Am I teaching them all their colors, Alphabet, numbers in a timely manner? I worry now about them getting sick. Why did I let them touch that? Did I wash their hands? Are they getting ill? These worries are my everyday norm now. I don’t know how to climb out of the holes I bury myself in. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep just thinking of things I could have done different that would have been better for my kids. But I’m exhausted from all this worrying. I just want to be a carefree mom most days.
I’ve just now started to come to terms with the fact that maybe I have anxiety. Maybe I should see a doctor. I know other moms deal with this, but no one talks about it. It’s embarrassing. I know that having others around me to talk about these things with really helps lift the weight of all my worries. And I’m here for other moms who might be feeling as alone as I’ve felt. Let’s talk about the sometimes ugly side of motherhood. We can get through it together.