Eighteen years old, you think you have it all figured out now don’t you?
I could start this letter and tell you all the things you have done wrong, and possibly wish to steer you in a new and brighter direction. I could tell you that the road you are traveling on will cause so much pain, and heartache, and confusion. I could also tell you that you are going to meet the love of your life at the age of nineteen, and he will be five pounds, eleven ounces of love. You will melt into him and love like you never knew a kind of love would exist. Did I skip a step? Yes, you will parent this sweet bundle of joy alone for a while...and it will seem like forever.
I could tell you that you are going to go through hardships.
You will be diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that will feel like it is taking over all of you, you will spend a lot of time in bed and in pain, but still in love with the sweet baby who lies beside you. After you get semi-healthy again you will work at a shitty job with people who will make you feel like gum at the bottom of their shoe.
But that’s okay, you will soon rise above them.
Then, life will bring you here, after your best friend introduces you to the man of your dreams, and he whisks you and your son away and you call your new husband’s arms your new home.
You will have a few rough chapters in your life. And I could tell you how to avoid them all...but why would I? Because they all brought you (me) here. And girl, let me tell you...life is freaking good!!!
Your son is almost five today, right now he is playing all things dinosaur. You are tired, but this is a good tired...not like you were three years ago. You don’t live near family, which can definitely suck sometimes, but you have your own family with a husband who loves you and your boy so beautifully. Your husband, is a dreamy man and you are one lucky woman!
Right now, you are sipping on your lukewarm cup of coffee because you left it sitting on the counter while you helped your son clean out some toys, and do some dinosaur impersonations while you were at it, but room temperature coffee is worth all of that.
After all of the pain I have been through, that you will go through, I have never wished I had done anything differently.
You are right where you need to be.
I know in some moments, that will seem impossible. But as I look back at you today, I know this to be true. I want you to know that though you are not perfect, but you are not unlovable, unworthy, or replaceable. You are strong, capable, worthy, loveable and irreplaceable.
Life is good, and although I still feel like I am not where I am supposed to be sometimes. As I embark on a journey through words in hopes to find a step in the right direction to who I am supposed to be, I write this today to remind myself that years from now, my future self will be able to write to who I am today. And hopefully tell me how amazing she is doing as well, and tell me how I got through anything that may be coming in my direction. I hope she is stronger than I am now, I hope she is happier with who she is as a mama and a wife, I hope she understands better who she is underneath the aprons, dinosaur toys, grocery lists, and cleaning.
I am excited to meet her.
But back to my past self, I really wish I could tell you how amazing your life is soon going to turn out, but since I cannot...I want to tell anyone who may feel the way I did a few years ago, that life can change to quickly, and sometimes that change will be the most amazing thing you will ever experience. You are strong, worthy, loveable, capable, and irreplaceable.